I joined twitter hoping to get that lucky but my case took a strange turn.
I got a mention one evening ”nice avi, follow back hun”. I zoomed his avatar. He wore a purple t’shirt, a jean trouser with a YMCMB cap and though the photo was a bit blurred, he looked as good as one of naija top music artistes.
I followed back immediately expecting a DM in few seconds and he didnt disappoint me. He introduced himself as John, a self employed graduate and when he asked for my blackberry pin, I didnt hesitate to give him.
On BBM, his display picture was his twitter avatar and when I asked to see more, he told me he misplaced his phone recently and he’s not much of a picture person. As soon as he asked for my photos, I sent him about 26 (filters and no filters). I know that’s too much but i was only trying to impress my new rich and handsome friend.
Within a week, we exchanged phone numbers and it took our first three phone calls for me to realise I had a british, a pakistan and an american accent. His profile fitted that of my dream lover and I fell and rolled in love instantly.
The sad news is, he never asked me for a date even though we reside in the same state. John never changed his dp, all he did was sound romantic on phone like the perfect lover boy making me fantasise about him all day.
On valentine’s day, I sent john three thousand naira worth of airtime while my rich boyfriend returned the favour by spoiling me silly with BBM smileys and voice notes. So much for someone who boasted he made he first million at 21. By the way, he is 28 while I am 23. A month passed and we still didnt hook up. My pride would’nt let me ask him out either. Just when I was about giving up….
I went clubbing with my girlfriends one friday night and as soon as I stepped into the club, I saw John. I almost did not recognize him but Johnny wore his full avatar/dp attire there. Maybe that was his life uniform. The club had very dim lights but I didnt fail to notice the shape of his head in his YMCMB cap was ‘extraordinary’.
He stood at a disappointing height of 5ft 6 inches, for someone that swore he was at least 6feet tall. My ‘tall,rich and handsome’ boyfriend I spent the last seven weeks day dreaming about was right in front of me so I couldnt let a difference of 6inches stop me running into the arms of my true love.
He said I looked beautiful even in the dark. I wish I could say the same for him especially with his boring twitter/bbm uniform on. I left my girlfriends and spent the next 2hours dancing with John. When the DJ played Tuface’s ‘ihe neme’, I danced like someone experencing a convulsion all in a bid to impress John.
When we were done dancing, he told me he lost his wallet in the club and I should lend him money to pay for his drinks that he was gonna triple the amount for me next week. I ended up giving him my hard earned 5k. I insisted on us going on a date the next day and he replied
”Where would you love to go?”
”The movies, there’s this new movie I’m dying to see, silver linings playbook” I replied quickly
” would the bills be on you?”
Did i hear him clearly?
When he noticed the look of disappointment on my face, he giggled and insisted he was joking. I forced a smile knowing I had to be nice to my incoming rich,handsome but not so tall boyfriend afterall my rewards will come pouring soon.
The next day while we chatted on BBM, he told me there is a change of plans and i should meet him in a certain restaurant by 3pm. I got there by 3:15pm dressed in my ‘christmas clothes’. I stood by the door scanning the restaurant and there was no sign of John. Then someone held my waist from behind, who knows that must have been a clue that all he wants is my waist(…and my money too). I turned and the good old Johnny was dressed like a palmwine tapper and most importantly without his signature cap. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement. Now in broad daylight, his head was two and a half times the size of bankyW’s own but shaped like megamind’s own.
This can’t be the John I fell in love with, no thanks to photoshop, the scales fell from my eyes immediately and I frowned like I just ate dog shit.
First thing he said was ”Babe, I know we were supposed to meet at the movies today but that won’t be neccessary as I’ve downloaded the silver linings movie on my phone for you, you know I just hate going to cinemas in Nigeria, so crowdy and messed up, so lets chill here alright”.
I was shocked at such lies. Broke ass nigga! All I said was ”k”. I couldnt wait for the stupid date to be over so I could block him on twitter and BBM, to hell with twitter crush. I’ll rather die single.
As soon as I sat down, my ‘rich’ supersized headed twitter boo came from the counter with fayrouz drink and one doughnut for me (My self esteem at this point was -1) and a bottled coke with fish pie for himself making the bills N470 which was N330 cheaper than my cab fare I spent in coming there.
Before I could bring myself to ask him why he would place an order without informing me, He told me if I can’t finish my 30cl fayrouz, he would’nt mine sharing it with me. Tear drops were pratically dripping from my heart at this point. Please don’t get me wrong, I am no goldigger but during our seven weeks old ‘friendlationship’, John gave me this ‘you no say money no be problem’ impression.
I sat staring at my fayrouz like it was the cause of all the problems I’ve had in life.
”I cant wait to make LOVE to you”.
That was John’s voice loud and clear.
When I heard that, my whole body was soaked with tears, my heart, lungs, kidney and all my organs were crying. I cried and cried inside, who did I offend sweet Jesus to suffer this way.
”you’ve not touched your lunch” his voice brought me back to reality. (lunch ke,abi snacks meant for a cat?).
I didnt reply. I sat still like those idols in the book of exodus and just when I thought I had enough, Headmaster told me to lend him 40K to close up a business deal. Those words charged me up. I looked at him with stone cold eyes. His face was was as annoying as the BBM dancing smiley.
The ‘warri’ in me was fully awake ”say wetin happen? You wan use me hammer abi? You wan use my money buy new clothes shebi? Cos your head resemble wall clock you think say you fit whine me,abeg, abeg, abeg, because i follow you back for twitter you come here dey insult me with fayrouz, just kuku siddon for your chair chop your doughnut and dont ever call me or try to contact me. I hereby block and discharge you”.
He was really shocked as his eyes shone like segun arinze’s while I walked out in slow motion.
Back at home an hour later, my new twitter bio reads :
”NO DM’s, NO P SETTING, No Boys Allowed’.